Saturday, May 17th 2008 3:13 PM
Pebbles is loafing right by my side, she in her cute self looking at me. Her black sparkling eyes nearly tearing me apart. I looked at the ice cream tumbler in my hand and then at her, hell she was priority like always. I put the unfinished tumbler in front of her...she smelled it, licked it once growled a little and again started inspecting me as I worked on my computer.
Her eyes, the hanging tongue and the droopy ears still did not make me understand what she was looking for...I lifted her and made her sit on my lap..she looked at the keyboard, then at the monitor...gave my hand a lick and went to sleep. Guess the summer heat and the construction behind the house was bothering her.
The question once again forming in my head, my parents wanted her out and so attached was she to me that I had started resenting their remarks. From childhood I was crazy bout bears and dogs...guess their cute funny side made me compare them to cartoons that I religiously watched every morning at 5:00 AM before going to school.
My ex knew bout it, she was the only one with whom I had spent intimate moments telling her bout my life...my eyes, my eyes! were closing as I fell into a gentle slumber... zzz
My birthday came and went I thought she of all people wouldn't have forgotten, but with so much of work I had no way of knowing who was at fault. A week after, on one of the weekends the doorbell in the morning surprised me. She was standing with a huge card and an equally huge gift, wrapped.
She kissed me, looked down and turned around with a weird noise escaping her lips. Sounded like a "Owee"!!! with no time to decipher I headed back inside the house to grab something to wear. My cheeks flushed with embarrassment and not meeting her eye, asked her to sit on the bed as I made my way to the kitchen. Asking her from there if she needed anything.
She must have realized my nervousness, when she followed me in...gave a hug and wished me belated wishes...the big wrapped thing turned out to be a cuddly bear...i named him dix after her...
*yawn* ... But why remem what happened nearly a year back, the hot weather is the culprit, sure as hell playing games with me...
At present a golden lab adorns my otherwise filthy place, same color as my bear. She always feels I like the bear more, so looks for any moment for me to leave the bear alone. Even after staying with me for the last 14 months she doesn't realize who my affection is with whatever the odds. Neither pebbles nor does she, to whom i professed my love some months back.
Just as with Pebbles, when afraid, her hair all the way down her spine will stand up. She displays the same...afraid, of me being with her would raise questions on her integrity. She giggles when with me but the same turns into heavy breaths when she smells I am talking love. She is all smiles, standing next to me in between friends, but the smiles disappears when standing next to me; she feels the fear of being watched.
Its not upto me to hold back the talk, someone makes about us. I have to tell her, nonetheless she gets to know bout it later and accuses me of "pinching her bottom". Her not being well marks me in the arena of people being ridiculed, and when she acts like a stranger with me next to her...I feel she is part of the group mocking me.
... Is it because I have lost being my mysterious side around her, that she is not interested or my perseverance to remain aloof been blotched?
{My mind thinks a lot when exposed}
... to my right a near empty bottle lies precariously perched on a match box...
I lift the bottle emptying the contents in my mouth, placing it back I again got lost in the moments when I was happy...hmmm...
"Stroustrup staring from the counter above, as always his being in between Schildt and Stevens made me little comfy...that I am not yet a closed chapter lying in dust next to the last of the Harry Potter books..."
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Conscience Vs Love
I had been saint for too long or perhaps I was a little afraid that whatever resolutions I have made would be broken soon enough when I would come in contact with the members of the opposite sex.
The trip to Goa was an eye opener, whilst that was taken as a professional bet. I knew pretty well if I walked into a pub in my true attire and sense I could have shattered something I was really building on.
Guess for once I was too motivated by the sense of "love" to forgo everything.
Yesterday night, had plans to watch a late night movie "Race" with my school buddy AD. I walked into Lido Mall, Bangalore. Even though the place was a stones throw from my office, this was the first time i was stepping into the place.
We had forgotten the printout and could barely remember the acknowledgement number...my friend nervous from the thought that we would miss the movie was cursing ourselves for being so stupid, and doing the same quite aloud too.
Nature has its own means of self defence and I being a part of it had it inculcated into me to adorn into my true self the moment I feel, a number of hot eyes looking at me and since my friends antics were attracting a lot of attention, I had to be careful....I coolly stepped next to him; put an arm around and asked him to restore a state of tranquillity.
Out aloud I said in a sarcastic tone, "You should save the pre-flight jitters for the airport. Since over there you wouldn't have to worry about going through the entire flight and thinking about the 'simian' you proved yourself to be"...
the girl standing right behind us, chuckled and replied - a good one!
My conscience wanted me to respond back, what does a guy need to start a conversation a justified opening and that was just what she had given...but the promise my outer self had made to the "love" made me step back and acknowledge her precense with a mere smile and look over at the ticket counter, a small talk with the person there assured that we got our rightful tickets...
That was a close shave, turning around I could see every third person to be a hot gal...hmmmm...I took a few moments to compose myself. Walking around the parking lot my friend had lit a ciggerette. I so badly wanted one, but decided against it. I would have shown a bad example if I had not been preachin' "Non-Smoking" jingle...
Instead I acted like a total nerd, a perfect gentleman...opening door for the ladies to being courteous and polite in my talk.
Soon it was time for the movie...the saying, "bhagwaan deta hain to chappar phad ke deta hain" (when god really gives, he opens the skies for you)very evident when I took my seat, whew! three hot babes sittin' to my left and my friend to the right.
If it had been some other day I would have maintained equanimity....but today I was already seething in gentle manly behaviour. And for people who have seen this movie would agree with the explicit use of double meaning words, and for all those the girls sitting right next to me giggling; it was not helping me either...
It seemed like i was preaching a sermon in an idyllic realm.
After a short talk or more likely soft talk, I started joing in on the fun...by interval we were laughing like hell...only when the lights were switched on they realised I was a stranger to them. But that didn't seem to dampen the spirits, we introduced ourselves. From their initial giggle to double meaning jokes, it was clear I was sitin' next to a bunch of virgins...soon they also became aware of the existence of a company right in their backyard. They were school kids definately high in respect for me; since it was the first time an older fella (...to my disappointment ME!!!), acting like a part of their group. They introduced me to rest of their bunch; two rows of girls. I asked them what they would be doin after the movie, couple of horny ones came forward saying they were game for whaever I had planned.
For people who think Bangalore is one dry place, only filled with software nerds and prostitutes on the roadside...a surprise - you don't have to be one hell of a flirt or a rich dude to achieve things...talking also helps and if you make them comfortable speaking to you, then you have actually climbed the first step. Or, you need to have guts like my friend AD accompanying me that day, to look right down their cleavage and make a mocking one-liner of the situation (a couple of my trusted aides do have control over their language, and every word thrown is weighed down and then spoken).
The movie was fantabulous, every part would have an inkling of a different context. We watched the movie in earnest, I trying to control my laughter; purely aggravated to what the girls were doing. Trying to make their hands touch, or coming close and whispering in the ear...the perfume even though intoxicating wasn't good enough to pull me out of the promise I had made to the one I loved.
Towards the end of the movie, five of the girl gang were bursting as ever for the late night prospects. I made my move towards 'Ista' right next to Lido Mall. Spent some time in LIQUID (the bar, within Ista) as always marking the place (finding the key man, in case I do come back to the place). When the date becomes an extended one I have no problems in impressin' the woman folk. They loved the humour, they loved the music, they loved the place...I knew I was wasting time...but so much as my conscience wanted to get inside their slacks...my outer self was just not ready for all that...I made them drunk...then had a priceless time sharing memories.
"A flirt can get anyone to say "yes" but if he can pass that stage and make the girl open up to him so much that his only intrests as per his body language is to just know her better"...then I would say the guy has gone BONKERS!!! That was what I had become, every fleeting moment semi-conciously glimpsing the woman I loved in my head.
We were at 'Zaman' for quite sometime...savouring the un-earthly wines...for food connoisseurs, it's an absolute delight. With the closing hours right around the corner...I thanked everyone from the gracious hotel staff to the chef for bearing us and left the place with everyone being in high spirits...not because of the drink but because of the excellent time we had spent together.
I borrowed the car from my friend, dropped each of the gals at home and then my friend at the airport. I was a sight to remember...stepping down at the airport, my face full of lipstick marks...from the thankful girls...but rather than wiping it clean I made sure my friend was comfortable...at least he would have fine dreams in his long flight back to the States...as for me I would try to get a shut eye as soon as possible to get the face of "Love" in ma dreams...yet again and again...
The trip to Goa was an eye opener, whilst that was taken as a professional bet. I knew pretty well if I walked into a pub in my true attire and sense I could have shattered something I was really building on.
Guess for once I was too motivated by the sense of "love" to forgo everything.
Yesterday night, had plans to watch a late night movie "Race" with my school buddy AD. I walked into Lido Mall, Bangalore. Even though the place was a stones throw from my office, this was the first time i was stepping into the place.
We had forgotten the printout and could barely remember the acknowledgement number...my friend nervous from the thought that we would miss the movie was cursing ourselves for being so stupid, and doing the same quite aloud too.
Nature has its own means of self defence and I being a part of it had it inculcated into me to adorn into my true self the moment I feel, a number of hot eyes looking at me and since my friends antics were attracting a lot of attention, I had to be careful....I coolly stepped next to him; put an arm around and asked him to restore a state of tranquillity.
Out aloud I said in a sarcastic tone, "You should save the pre-flight jitters for the airport. Since over there you wouldn't have to worry about going through the entire flight and thinking about the 'simian' you proved yourself to be"...
the girl standing right behind us, chuckled and replied - a good one!
My conscience wanted me to respond back, what does a guy need to start a conversation a justified opening and that was just what she had given...but the promise my outer self had made to the "love" made me step back and acknowledge her precense with a mere smile and look over at the ticket counter, a small talk with the person there assured that we got our rightful tickets...
That was a close shave, turning around I could see every third person to be a hot gal...hmmmm...I took a few moments to compose myself. Walking around the parking lot my friend had lit a ciggerette. I so badly wanted one, but decided against it. I would have shown a bad example if I had not been preachin' "Non-Smoking" jingle...
Instead I acted like a total nerd, a perfect gentleman...opening door for the ladies to being courteous and polite in my talk.
Soon it was time for the movie...the saying, "bhagwaan deta hain to chappar phad ke deta hain" (when god really gives, he opens the skies for you)very evident when I took my seat, whew! three hot babes sittin' to my left and my friend to the right.
If it had been some other day I would have maintained equanimity....but today I was already seething in gentle manly behaviour. And for people who have seen this movie would agree with the explicit use of double meaning words, and for all those the girls sitting right next to me giggling; it was not helping me either...
It seemed like i was preaching a sermon in an idyllic realm.
After a short talk or more likely soft talk, I started joing in on the fun...by interval we were laughing like hell...only when the lights were switched on they realised I was a stranger to them. But that didn't seem to dampen the spirits, we introduced ourselves. From their initial giggle to double meaning jokes, it was clear I was sitin' next to a bunch of virgins...soon they also became aware of the existence of a company right in their backyard. They were school kids definately high in respect for me; since it was the first time an older fella (...to my disappointment ME!!!), acting like a part of their group. They introduced me to rest of their bunch; two rows of girls. I asked them what they would be doin after the movie, couple of horny ones came forward saying they were game for whaever I had planned.
For people who think Bangalore is one dry place, only filled with software nerds and prostitutes on the roadside...a surprise - you don't have to be one hell of a flirt or a rich dude to achieve things...talking also helps and if you make them comfortable speaking to you, then you have actually climbed the first step. Or, you need to have guts like my friend AD accompanying me that day, to look right down their cleavage and make a mocking one-liner of the situation (a couple of my trusted aides do have control over their language, and every word thrown is weighed down and then spoken).
The movie was fantabulous, every part would have an inkling of a different context. We watched the movie in earnest, I trying to control my laughter; purely aggravated to what the girls were doing. Trying to make their hands touch, or coming close and whispering in the ear...the perfume even though intoxicating wasn't good enough to pull me out of the promise I had made to the one I loved.
Towards the end of the movie, five of the girl gang were bursting as ever for the late night prospects. I made my move towards 'Ista' right next to Lido Mall. Spent some time in LIQUID (the bar, within Ista) as always marking the place (finding the key man, in case I do come back to the place). When the date becomes an extended one I have no problems in impressin' the woman folk. They loved the humour, they loved the music, they loved the place...I knew I was wasting time...but so much as my conscience wanted to get inside their slacks...my outer self was just not ready for all that...I made them drunk...then had a priceless time sharing memories.
"A flirt can get anyone to say "yes" but if he can pass that stage and make the girl open up to him so much that his only intrests as per his body language is to just know her better"...then I would say the guy has gone BONKERS!!! That was what I had become, every fleeting moment semi-conciously glimpsing the woman I loved in my head.
We were at 'Zaman' for quite sometime...savouring the un-earthly wines...for food connoisseurs, it's an absolute delight. With the closing hours right around the corner...I thanked everyone from the gracious hotel staff to the chef for bearing us and left the place with everyone being in high spirits...not because of the drink but because of the excellent time we had spent together.
I borrowed the car from my friend, dropped each of the gals at home and then my friend at the airport. I was a sight to remember...stepping down at the airport, my face full of lipstick marks...from the thankful girls...but rather than wiping it clean I made sure my friend was comfortable...at least he would have fine dreams in his long flight back to the States...as for me I would try to get a shut eye as soon as possible to get the face of "Love" in ma dreams...yet again and again...
Friday, January 19, 2007
...Life...
There are times in life when you feel that too much hatred has been vented out. You start having that feeling that if we would have started as friends would it have been different. If I wouldn't have said so much would she still be with me. If I wouldn't have done those things, where she always said you have crossed your limits would it have been easier.
Instead of all these thoughts, what if I would have never met her. What if I would not have become serious bout her.
...there are just too many if's - damn confusing...bullshit!!!
She was everything, but a figment of my imagination.
...My mind like always did play those excruciating tricks but on someone none other than me!!!
A couple of friends did come up with a solution to all those pathetic psychotic actions I had got associated with...and the judgement made was quite simple - ...that while I speak I think (read the sentence once again, it means exactly what it sayz in exactly the same way it is put up). So in other words I speak stuff that is at that point part of my thought process, making it clearly un-intelligible to the person with whom the communication is being made. This did not take rocket science to figure out, something that was always there; but never said to me on the face in a manner understandable to me...so god only knows what I would have spoken to her...
Over time i believed my mind was weaving my 'self' into multiple personalities - not exactly a syndrome, but something just starting from college life (to escape those brutalizing ragging sessions). i hid the fear so deep inside me that I started living a virtual life - a lie. It is truly said, "Practice makes one perfect"; soon I learnt to blend this life with my real one and everything fit in perfectly that I had every hot female in college speaking to me. Some serious, others objects of mere 'ecstasy' - with this came the surge of adrenalin from being a nobody I suddenly became a somebody; known in hostel for all wrong reasons.
Coming to Bangalore was something unexpected - my parents happily shipping me to this place to do an MBA; but with a crazy mind like mine and over flowing creativity things were destined to happen differently. college life had left me with a taste of being around girls and what could have been the best way to achieve that - a BPO, not too well known an' having an abundance of pleasing sights (Girls on and off the floor!!!)
Life was something like the cheap liquor brought from corner shops, excitin' yet missing the buzz. Dated a fair share of females,never from the place I worked in. Things were fine until need arose for something that I had been missing, something to get me in the flow of experience...
The start was slow and play was only made for 'holes' that were achievable and a stroke right in to the hilt was something overtly "orgasmic". Soon the craving and desire for more made me realize I am just trying to be another 'David Copperfield' in a crowd of dimwits - who have tried it all, passed a few and rejected others.
...The realization came at the pace of a snail, they kept telling me - never at workplace. I dared to defy an existing rule and paid the price of uprooting my innocence on more than one occasion, with a choice of chasing the truth or remain hidden behind the shadow of lie...
"...guess the choice was made the day i stepped in this new world, the day I started respecting females..the day I forgot what love was?..."
Instead of all these thoughts, what if I would have never met her. What if I would not have become serious bout her.
...there are just too many if's - damn confusing...bullshit!!!
She was everything, but a figment of my imagination.
...My mind like always did play those excruciating tricks but on someone none other than me!!!
A couple of friends did come up with a solution to all those pathetic psychotic actions I had got associated with...and the judgement made was quite simple - ...that while I speak I think (read the sentence once again, it means exactly what it sayz in exactly the same way it is put up). So in other words I speak stuff that is at that point part of my thought process, making it clearly un-intelligible to the person with whom the communication is being made. This did not take rocket science to figure out, something that was always there; but never said to me on the face in a manner understandable to me...so god only knows what I would have spoken to her...
Over time i believed my mind was weaving my 'self' into multiple personalities - not exactly a syndrome, but something just starting from college life (to escape those brutalizing ragging sessions). i hid the fear so deep inside me that I started living a virtual life - a lie. It is truly said, "Practice makes one perfect"; soon I learnt to blend this life with my real one and everything fit in perfectly that I had every hot female in college speaking to me. Some serious, others objects of mere 'ecstasy' - with this came the surge of adrenalin from being a nobody I suddenly became a somebody; known in hostel for all wrong reasons.
Coming to Bangalore was something unexpected - my parents happily shipping me to this place to do an MBA; but with a crazy mind like mine and over flowing creativity things were destined to happen differently. college life had left me with a taste of being around girls and what could have been the best way to achieve that - a BPO, not too well known an' having an abundance of pleasing sights (Girls on and off the floor!!!)
Life was something like the cheap liquor brought from corner shops, excitin' yet missing the buzz. Dated a fair share of females,never from the place I worked in. Things were fine until need arose for something that I had been missing, something to get me in the flow of experience...
The start was slow and play was only made for 'holes' that were achievable and a stroke right in to the hilt was something overtly "orgasmic". Soon the craving and desire for more made me realize I am just trying to be another 'David Copperfield' in a crowd of dimwits - who have tried it all, passed a few and rejected others.
...The realization came at the pace of a snail, they kept telling me - never at workplace. I dared to defy an existing rule and paid the price of uprooting my innocence on more than one occasion, with a choice of chasing the truth or remain hidden behind the shadow of lie...
"...guess the choice was made the day i stepped in this new world, the day I started respecting females..the day I forgot what love was?..."
Thursday, December 21, 2006
mistake...duh...
...really don know when that infatuation the physical attraction to her, really changed into love...
I always thought it was under my power to tell her stuff I did, i never anticipated the change of regime of my feelings itself...
...standing with her, gave the sudden ecstasy of being a winner and I lost that chance. I imagined i could make her free with her feelings; I could imagine her, speaking to her parents about us. But after what I said to her on the fateful night of Oct 11, coupled with the nightmare I had; stopped me dead in my tracks...
...within moments it appeared as if god asked me to stop my heart and think...
...think of what's happening, on how it started, on how I wanted it to end...
and then I realized if I can't keep her happy over 2 months, how would I do it over a lifetime...
.
.
.
.
.
.
But, this was somethin unbelievable. I came to the land of opportunities and was fortunate enough to meet 2 angels (one became a friend, another a very close friend)...and then came the sudden realization that I would be loosing them both soon...
"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her."
~Anonymous
I always thought it was under my power to tell her stuff I did, i never anticipated the change of regime of my feelings itself...
...standing with her, gave the sudden ecstasy of being a winner and I lost that chance. I imagined i could make her free with her feelings; I could imagine her, speaking to her parents about us. But after what I said to her on the fateful night of Oct 11, coupled with the nightmare I had; stopped me dead in my tracks...
...within moments it appeared as if god asked me to stop my heart and think...
...think of what's happening, on how it started, on how I wanted it to end...
and then I realized if I can't keep her happy over 2 months, how would I do it over a lifetime...
.
.
.
.
.
.
But, this was somethin unbelievable. I came to the land of opportunities and was fortunate enough to meet 2 angels (one became a friend, another a very close friend)...and then came the sudden realization that I would be loosing them both soon...
"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her."
~Anonymous
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Remorse...unwarranted
Life was never that full of remorse...that from having everything, I lost everything (just in a blink of an eye)
People kept saying that I was a fool to continue with her...did they understand my lack of maturity to handle 'relationships' or were they too eager to make my bulky frame move, so that they could fit in...
...whatever, for them it was just another joke..they played with everybody; question was did anybody respond back...mostly NO
I was probably those one in thousand 'souls' who made sure that if I lost, I would loose it all and then don' even have the dignity to accept the mistake I have committed...the loss was mutual, jus not for me or her...
Guess the eagerness and greed just made me too over-possessive and forget the fact that 'goodness' doesn't last for long...and in my case, god is extra careful (Oh! My Gosh, why does he even bother to do that for an atheist!!!)
As my friend sayz...
"Opinions are like ass holes, everybody has one"
Guess in my case...I never needed an opinion to be one...
People kept saying that I was a fool to continue with her...did they understand my lack of maturity to handle 'relationships' or were they too eager to make my bulky frame move, so that they could fit in...
...whatever, for them it was just another joke..they played with everybody; question was did anybody respond back...mostly NO
I was probably those one in thousand 'souls' who made sure that if I lost, I would loose it all and then don' even have the dignity to accept the mistake I have committed...the loss was mutual, jus not for me or her...
Guess the eagerness and greed just made me too over-possessive and forget the fact that 'goodness' doesn't last for long...and in my case, god is extra careful (Oh! My Gosh, why does he even bother to do that for an atheist!!!)
As my friend sayz...
"Opinions are like ass holes, everybody has one"
Guess in my case...I never needed an opinion to be one...
Monday, December 18, 2006
jus another mornin...
...the day was as clear as ever, the only exception my flat mate had switched 'on' the fan in the wee hours of the mornin...by the time I woke, it was chillin to the bones and my throat was hurting like hell...
I thought this was a bad start to a day, but can it go worse!
woke up an' went to office
...the first person I saw there, was my ex
the only thing good with her could have been 'sex';
otherwise she does look like a sister concern of 'Rex'-o-potomus...
...once she looked like an angel,
an awesome smile on a cute face, that could floor thousands
the attraction was mutual, but not the love
and by the time my realization came, I was sucked by a 'literal' whore...
...I said a 'Hi' and turned my back,
before she could give me one of her smiles.
Either she smiles in front of me or behind me,
the reason is the same to mock the hurt she's caused me...
I walked over to my cubicle and started work
...knowing the fact that illusions will fall when i see her again...
I thought this was a bad start to a day, but can it go worse!
woke up an' went to office
...the first person I saw there, was my ex
the only thing good with her could have been 'sex';
otherwise she does look like a sister concern of 'Rex'-o-potomus...
...once she looked like an angel,
an awesome smile on a cute face, that could floor thousands
the attraction was mutual, but not the love
and by the time my realization came, I was sucked by a 'literal' whore...
...I said a 'Hi' and turned my back,
before she could give me one of her smiles.
Either she smiles in front of me or behind me,
the reason is the same to mock the hurt she's caused me...
I walked over to my cubicle and started work
...knowing the fact that illusions will fall when i see her again...
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